Tears

When I had told my husband that I wanted to try again a few months after my miscarriage, I was sure that I would be extremely worried about another miscarriage – at least until I got past the week when I lost my first baby. Surprisingly, I really wasn’t worried until about halfway through the pregnancy when I knew the gender and could feel him move a lot. Occasionally, I would get scared of losing this baby as well. Recently, I feel like I have been grieving all over again from my first loss. The sadness never went away, and I don’t think it ever will, but lately I have started crying out of the blue. I would be sitting working on lesson plans for school when I would suddenly start crying. It’s strange because I wasn’t thinking about my miscarriage when I started crying. The tears came first and then I started thinking about it. Some of the same questions I had last year flooded my mind. Why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong? The doubts I had about my faith and God came back as well. I’m not scared of losing this baby anymore because my pregnancy has gone so well, and I feel guilty about grieving again over my previous loss. This happened for about two weeks in a row, but now I seem to be better. Maybe it’s a combination of hormones, anxiety about the upcoming birth, and the fact that the date of my loss is coming up. I just have to remind myself that it’s okay to grieve, but if I had that baby then I wouldn’t have my little boy.